WRITING PASSAGES INTO WOMANHOOD:
Empowering Girls to Love Themselves ©
by Pamela L Chubbuck
Celebrating & Mentoring Girls and Young Women Coming of Age
The following short stories of celebration of young women, are a major part of Passages into Womanhood: Empowering Girls to Love Themselves. These stories began to take shape with the birth of my first granddaughter in 1989. At first-- the shaping, of these stories - the energy buildup - happened under the dark, moist earth of my unconscious, fertilized by millions of years of genetic woman stuff. I was present at my granddaughter’s birthing and our bonding was instant -- profound. Less than 15 hours had passed since her lungs breathed their first air, and then, she lay on my chest. Suddenly I felt a surge of energy, a melting which seemed to move through our chests as it connected our hearts and fused our souls. It was such pure love that it instantly brought tears to my eyes. I knew her spirit and mine were linked for all time.
Later I pondered -- My first granddaughter – now newborn, with her sweet soft innocence, would grow up, as my children did, seemingly with the blink of my eye. She would be, too soon, a woman. With visceral memory of the power of our connection, I asked myself, what gift could I give to this child? Only the purest truth of my soul would be good enough. Something no one else could give, was what I had learned through my many years of living. That something was about being a woman. I wanted this heartfelt gift to make her happy. And to help her understand and love herself better as a girl child.
I had learned almost nothing of significance from my mother about menstruation, a woman's body, or sexuality in all it’s forms--except that it was to be hidden. My daughter-in-law told me that she had learned nothing positive from her own mother about becoming and being a woman. I wanted to help my daughter-in-law better help her own daughter feel good about herself. I wanted to help heal the next generation of mothers so they could make it easier for their daughters. As I write this, my hope is that my four granddaughters, ages seven to twenty one, will value and love themselves.
I spent years talking to women and researching books, articles, and audio and video tapes on the subjects of menarche, menstruation, and sexuality. The research that I did for my doctoral dissertation included an eleven page questionnaire asking women about the events and feelings they remember experienced around their menarche. I also interviewed hundreds of women, all of whom, whether 16 or 90, remembered in detail their first blood. I found many books about "getting your period". Almost all books for girls were dry, factual, and biological, with a few exceptions. Most of those books explained: You grow - your body changes - you menstruate - you can have babies. There was not much written answering a girl's psycho-sexual needs. Barely anything was written about a girl’s spiritual opening at the time of first blood. I found little about empowering girls to love themselves for becoming women. Thankfully in the last few years more has been written to assist girls in a deeper way and those books are listed in the suggested reading section of this book.
A girl needs to believe she is a wonderful powerful force, beautiful in every aspect. A girl needs to know practical ways she can deal with the forces of nature, as they surge through her, in new and mysterious ways.
Not being satisfied by what I had found available for girls, I decided I would write a book that would help to empower all granddaughters with the necessary ingredients to feel wonderful about being women. I pondered. I went on retreat for a month and began by sleeping and walking a lot. I prayed for guidance about what I was to write. I prayed to be in my creative flow and asked what I could do to be of the most help to all women. After three weeks of doing this with no results, I wondered if inspiration would ever come to me. Thankfully, the very next morning I awoke at 4:00 am with a story bursting from my mind and heart. It felt like it was being given to me, I was simply the conduit; and I immediately grabbed a pen and started writing, "Woman Spirit ". As I sat in my bed, the words tumbled out. My hand could barely keep up with the story in my head. I stopped only to rest my arm or to move my body, but no matter what I did the words kept flowing.
Later, other stories seemed to beg to be written. It became clear to me that I was to write a story that would correlate with each energy center – called chakras - of the body. I was to include physical, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects of coming of age, as we are all of these at once. We can no longer think of ourselves as compartmentalized, as there is a plethora of scientific information showing us how we are connected physiologically and energetically in our body-minds. I was to create a truly holistic view of menstruation.
I have written the following stories in the hope that they will fill a much needed gap in the education of young women in this culture. We must not leave the education of girls to television commercials, Barbie doll body images, lousy teen magazines and movies geared toward putting young minds to sleep. The majority of teen magazines are designed to sell shampoo, clothing and Midol, not to educate teenagers about the truth of their magnificent bodies, and to give them hope or to challenge them to think for themselves.
When mothers, fathers and grandmothers cannot, for any reason, give girls the support and education they need to feel good about themselves, girls must be helped. Schools try to fill in the gap when parents fall short, but they are not enough. Rigid religious views and fundamentalist politics are tying the hands of educational facilities regarding sex education more now than they were twenty years ago. When family members are too afraid or uncomfortable to adequately mentor girls and young women they must seek assistance from someone who is comfortable. An aunt, grandmother or a doula of sorts, can be approached to help coach parents how to best help, and teach the girls to love themselves.
Girls need to be empowered. They need to know that they can somehow find what they need in each other, in an older friend or teacher, in books, and in creating ritual and celebration for each other. Girls and young women can and do learn to empower each other.
Best of course, is when this empowerment starts with mothers, grandmothers and other women who take on the task of creating a generation of free, conscious, powerful women who love themselves. In our current society this empowerment is difficult and so very necessary.
Passages to Womanhood: Empowering Girls to Love Themselves, includes information on how older women can help mentor and celebrate women coming of age. There are annotated book lists and websites so you and your daughter can easily look up information for further exploration.
Passages into Womanhood: Empowering Girls to Love Themselves, is based around a wheel of teaching stories. Woman Spirit is at the hub of the wheel, as all of life is sacred and comes from a earth and spiritual base. Around the outside of the wheel are the stories; Waiting For It, Unlikely Friends, What About Dad, and Who Am I.
Traditional Story Telling
Following the tradition of Native American and other primitive cultures, stories are told to teach and enthrall the listener. Telling a story about someone else takes the pressure off both the teller and the receiver of the story. This relaxes the participants about a subject that even today causes inner struggle for most. In this story telling tradition, characters are allowed to have greater wisdom and power than the average human. I have taken this liberty with the characters in "Passages" so that teenagers, and other readers, may learn more quickly and their healing may begin.
In this ancient tradition, with its proven effectiveness as its foundation, the above mentioned 5 stories contain important messages about growing up as sexually healthy human beings. There are sections for parents, grandmothers and other adults who wish to assist girls be free to appreciate who they are; and the messages include suggestions on how to create ceremony and ritual to mark their First Blood to celebrate their becoming women.
Why I Have Included the Following Five Stories
Waiting for It
Girls get their periods at different ages. The average is 12 years 8 months.
A few girls start as early as 9, or as late as 16. In Waiting for It, Babs begins menstruating at age 10. She is not at all prepared and she is frightened. Many women answering my questionnaire reported feeling frightened and a few were terrified when their periods started.
Sarah is 16 -- mature and very knowledgeable. She has not yet begun her period and feels jealous of Babs, yet compassionate. Sarah's sister Betsy and her friend, Joyce, help teach Babs about what's happening to her.
I want girls to know that it is normal for there to be a big age range for getting their periods and individual girls have very different reactions to their first period. I went them to know that they can help each other understand what's going on and to celebrate with each other. The idea of celebration is broached here. The girls have a small celebration among themselves and they discuss a larger family celebration.
The information in this first story is practical with discussion of what is happening and why, with psychological aspects woven into the story.
Sarah's mom is wise and absent. I have Sarah and Betsy bring her mother's adult wisdom into the story through their own discussions. In this way, masturbation and sophisticated choice-making about life can be broached.
Unlikely Friends
Unlikely Friends tells the story of three young women, all from different ethnic and socio-economic backgrounds, who discover their bond as women through their common interest and pain. From their pain they discover their strength and grow as women and as human beings.
All of us have wounds -- lacks in our lives. Not enough of something -- too much of something else. At bottom it is the lack of love that gets us; lack of love and not being truly seen for who we are in our essence. Through Ticia, Rosa and Gigi I have shown how feelings and attitudes are passed down from mother to daughter. The wound of the mother, if not healed, gets passed on to the next generation. Positive and negative beliefs are consciously and unconsciously learned from our parents.
When we are not fully awake, we will continue our negative patterns which will affect our physical and mental health. We do have a choice. We can wake up.
By telling the story of Rosa, Gigi and Ticia's awakening, I am hoping to inspire and inform other young women that they can take charge of their lives. They have the ability to learn and grow, even if their mothers have not yet made that conscious choice.
Through the story, I suggest young women can talk with friends, form a miniature consciousness raising group of their own. Go to the library. Read about women, sexuality, and spirituality. Create ritual. Create a celebration.
I want to let young women know that some mothers do want to change and will change. Daughters can be and are catalysts for their mothers’ awakening.
Children have been teachers to their parents forever. In this story Margo, Gigi’s mom, is taught by her daughter's behavior and the changes she makes in herself. Children have this power if parents are open to it.
Who Am I
I have included Who Am I, because statistics tell us that one out of ten young women will discover she is homosexual. Probably half of the readers will at some point question themselves because of an attraction they feel for another young woman or older woman. Most women will know someone who is gay or lesbian at some point in their lives. This is the reality of life. I want young readers to have better understanding and compassion for themselves and their friends or acquaintances. This story was inspired by a young person who was in therapy with me. My client expressed many of the same feelings and fears that Karen does in the story. I worked with this client for five years and am happy to report that she is doing well.
What about Dad
No one talks to girls about the discomfort they may have with their fathers when they cease being children--grow breasts and begin to be interested in boys. Fathers are also often uncomfortable with their daughters at this stage of great transition. This is a universal phenomenon, among westernized cultures, affecting fathers and daughters more or less depending on their upbringing and their experiences with their own sexuality. Every girl goes through this discomfort to some degree. (Boys also have difficulties with mothers and sometimes fathers are uncomfortable with their son's growing up as well.) What about Dad was written based on a true incident, which was told to me by a good friend. Her granddaughter was asked by a shocked and flustered father, "Young lady, what do you think you're doing?!" when she revealed her womanly body at the beach. The 12 year old bikini clad girl didn't understand why her father yelled, and neither did he.
I have tried to share the discomfort both father and daughter often feel when girls maturing bodies begins to be evident to others. In this story Mom comes to the rescue and insists on family counseling. Family counseling is a vehicle to explain why Dad is acting "weird" and it allows changes to be made in the entire family system. The fact that Dad truly loves his daughter and his family is not enough to spare him from his past. He makes the same mistake his mother made with him. The story tells why. I hope that fathers will also read this story.
Women Spirit
I know of only two books which touch on spirituality and menstruation, both written over 10 years ago. We need more. Women Spirit fills this gap. In Woman Spirit, Susan is taught by a wise grandmother who tells her of the wondrous sacredness of all living things, including her own body. Susan learns the spiritual meaning of menstruation, and learns how to turn inward to find her own truth. Susan and her best friend, Margaret, have a wonderful First Blood Ceremony, celebrating their becoming women. This ceremony will assist the stories' readers in creating their own ceremony.
Ceremony and ritual are so important to helping young women feel good about themselves that four stories have ceremony as clear parts of the story. In Who Am I? the ceremony is a subtle one; that of truth seeking and telling with an elder as witness and nonjudgmental support. I have included specific "hints on creating your ceremony".
Teaching Stories
The stories in Passages into Womanhood: Empowering Girls to Love Themselves, are written as teaching stories. Following the tradition of Native American and other primitive cultures, stories are told to teach enthrall and pass on wisdom to the listener. In this tradition, characters are allowed to have greater wisdom and power than the average human. I have taken this liberty with the characters in "Passages" so that teenagers, and other readers, may learn more quickly and their healing may begin immediately while reading or hearing the stories.
Support Healthy Sexuality
"Passages into Womanhood", has the above stories as a foundation that contains important messages about growing up as sexually healthy human beings. The meaning of sexuality is often distorted and misunderstood in our culture. Sexuality is the Life Force; a creative, expansive energy that runs through our bodies and all of life.
Mentors
Mentors are parents, grandmothers and others who accompany girls on their path toward womanhood. The messages in these stories and in specific sections for mentors include suggestions on how to help adults be their best selves so that they can be good role models for the girls they wish to help. Creating ceremony and ritual to mark girls First Blood and celebrate their becoming women, is one way to assist girls at a very crucial point in their lives.
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